Thursday, June 21, 2007

target practice

I know I've been MIA for a while now and for that, I'm sorry. In keeping with my life's theme, "Turmoil", I've gone and uprooted myself from yet another miserable situation and have fled yet again (with the help of two men and a rented moving stuck) back to my hideout (a.k.a. my parents' house) to re-group.

It's been a rough six weeks and between travelling for work and other commitments, I don't feel as though I've had a moment's peace to think about, well, stuff. My stuff. The stuff that has happened. And keeps happening. To me. What's worse is that this crazy schedule of mine doesn't look like it will be letting up any time soon.

I'm just trying to tread water. Fly under the radar. Keep things on the down low. Problem is, people keep finding me, like heat-seeking missiles. Everybody wants something from me. ALL. THE. TIME. Just once, I wish someone would say to me: "What do YOU need? How can I help YOU?" without expecting something in return.

I can't count how many times I've wanted to run screaming from the building, jump off the nearest bridge or seriously hurt the people around me. Most of all, I really just want to tell everyone to FUCK OFF. Well, not everyone, but quite a few people. It's not very classy, but I suspect it would be effective. It takes a lot of energy to pretend you're OK when you're really not, you know. And what gives me the rage is that I'm not being given a chance to take a breath, sort things out and catch up to everyone else.

So, for now, I'm just going to start saying no. I don't care if it's uncharacteristically bitchy, selfish, unhelpful, etc. of me. For now, I'm only going to do what I want. What feels good to me. What serves my needs/purposes. Once I'm feeling more like myself, then I'll get back to regularly scheduled programming. Until then, well, I don't care.

You know, a cosmic remote control with a PAUSE button would really come in handy right about now.